Empires Forever UnitedBoard

We once believed we had successfully restored true freedom of the press after President Johnson and the Democratic Revisionist Front took the declaration "Down with the King" quite literally. For a brief, hopeful moment, it seemed we were right. However, after the recent election, our new "president," Edward Robinson, appears determined to strip that freedom away from us once more.

It was a typically quiet day at the Banana Herald headquarters, a brick building that had seen its fair share of newsworthy events. I sat in my office, surrounded by the comforting chaos of papers and coffee mugs, finalizing edits for our upcoming issue. The atmosphere was electric; we had a new president to scrutinize, and our readers depended on us to deliver the unvarnished truth. It felt like a steady stream of practically free money. Our families were fed, our bank accounts were healthy, and we had just stocked up on fresh printer ink—everything seemed to be aligning perfectly.

I had nearly completed the crossword puzzle that had captivated me when suddenly, a ceiling tile fell, crashing onto my desk with a jarring thud. We had scheduled replacements for those tiles last week, but of course, nothing has happened yet. Startled, I glanced up at the exposed ceiling, and what caught my eye was a glint of metal that shimmered ominously amidst the dust. As I investigated further, my heart sank; there it was—an unmistakable microphone, clandestinely hidden above.

Alarmed yet curious, I called the police for assistance. An officer arrived, his indifference evident as I showed him the disconcerting discovery. He studied the microphone for a moment, a flicker of realization dancing across his face before he brushed it off, saying, "It's nothing to worry about. Probably just an old security measure from whoever owned this building before you."

Yet, that flicker had stirred something ominous within me. Following the officer’s departure, I wasted no time—my investigative team was promptly summoned to uncover the truth about the microphone: its origin, its ownership, and its purpose. After a week of digging, they unearthed a chilling fact: there were no models like it available on the open market; it was a government-issued device.

The revelation sent a chill coursing through my spine. The government was spying on us—an utterly unacceptable intrusion. Determined to confront the powers that be, I scheduled a meeting with Thomas Poloni, the Minister of the Press. When I challenged him about the microphone, he eventually confessed that it was indeed government property, part of a directive mandating installation in our newsroom. I thanked him for his candor and left to write this exposé.

Did we really need more evidence? We had believed that the government would respect our autonomy, but our trust had been dreadfully misplaced.

But the situation took an even more astonishing turn.

President Edward Robinson himself reached out, requesting to meet with me and my team. Eager to engage with the head of state, we reluctantly accepted the invitation. To summarize our lengthy and rather tedious discussion, Robinson tangled his words around a disingenuous apology. Yet the nerve he exhibited was staggering; he then had the audacity to request our collaboration to, and I quote the President of Ter Landia, "Improve my public image." In exchange, he offered a substantial sum of bananas—a tempting proposition, but one I firmly rejected. The moment the state begins to influence the press, we lose our precious freedom.

I didn’t need to remain any longer. We had just liberated ourselves from the grip of a corrupt dictator, Larry -IV; yet here we were, seemingly on the verge of repeating history. It felt as if we were hurtling back down the treacherous path we had fought so hard to escape. Down with Edward Robinson!

Written and edited by Jack Daniels, editor-in-chief of the Banana Herald