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Region: Rhode Island

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The travelling circus

Greetings, Rhode Island! I am Spurmblerp the Dewmaster, and it is my pleasure to introduce you to the Travelling Circus! Our circus not only has the greatest circus acts in the known universe, we are also world-famous for our exquisite and highly useful wares and widgets. So, without further ado, may I interest you in some of our Wondrous Wares?
P.S. Congrats on being featured :)

1) 10,000m of rope - 500,000 golden dollops

Our advanced Chimichanga Rope (TM) is sure to serve all of your roping needs.
2) 10,000m of cheap robe - 1,200,000 golden dollops
Geez, we sure have a lot of tiny brown robes left after killing all of those Jawas.
3) 10,000m of foreign hamster pelts - 10,000,000 golden dollops
Ten thousand meters of hamster pelts of the most exquisite quality, they are imported from Brancaland and many other wondrous places that we have encountered whilst embarking upon our arduous travels. Surely these would be an excellent wall decoration. Or, at least a symbol of insanity. Maybe both at once.
4) 10,000m of silk robe - 70,000,000 golden dollops
Sooooo soft.... sooooo silky... why the hell are we selling this anyway? IT'S SO WONDERFUL
5) 10,000m of empty KFC buckets - 50,000 golden dollops
Look, man, KFC is a big thing here, and we don't always have a place to put our trash. Maybe you can wear it as a hat? Use it as a discount popcorn holder? The possibilities are probably endless when talking about a paper bucket smelling vaguely of fried chicken.
6) 10,000m of umbrella hooks - 7,000 golden dollops
Let's just say that killing Mary Poppins left us with a lot of weird stuff.
7) 100m of super-tasty, sharp & flaky cheddar cheese - 1,000,000 golden dollops
THIS STUFF IS LITERALLY AMAZING. SERIOUSLY, THERE WAS ONCE AN ENTIRE NATION BASZED OFF OF THE CONSUPMTION OF THIS ST UFF. THBE POWER AND SHARPNESS OF THIS CHEESE IS UNRIV ALED. THE FLAKINESS AND SALT ALL ADD TO IT'S EXQUISITE FLAVOUR. THIS STUFF IS PRICELESS, AND WE PUT A FRIGGIN' PRICE ON IT.
8) 10,000m of advanced fire extinguishers - 10,000,000 golden dollops
Have a fire that just won't go away? Have an intimidating raccoon that just won't leave you alone? If so, then Spurmblerp(TM) Advanced Fire Extinguishers are for you! These babies are guaranteed to put out any fire you have, or no money back!
9) A small loan of one million golden dollops - 2,500,000 golden dollops
Ever wanted to be a millionaire? Well, now you can! For a negligible price of 2.5 million golden dollops, you can be a millionaire for FREE! Buy TODAY and get our special massage coupon at Penny's!
10) 1 small arm (weapon, appendages not for sale) - 800 golden dollops
Due to our more classified operations, we are left with a certain number of decent pistols, assault rifles and sonic bone-breakers that we'd be willing to sell in bulk. Ammunition is an extra 1 golden dollop per 75 bullets.
11) 190 Thirty-Year Old Heavy Tanks - 19,000,000 golden dollops
After some recent upgrades to our offensive military corps, we were left with a surprising number of old, slow heavy tanks at our disposal. It'd be great if you could take them off our hands for us. They're good tanks overall, and could easily crush some grain, or punch a hole in your neighbor's wall.
12) 10,000m of forged Reach trip coupons - 1,000 golden dollops
After Reach Coupons began to be used as a currency in the Rouge Nation of the New Nation of Peeps, they were hyperinflated beyond imagination. Now, our collection of forged and invalid coupons for a Free Trip to Reach is actually far, far more valuable than a legitimate Reach coupon.
13) 3 3/4 Kansanturk horses - 10,000 golden dollops
Once upon a time, a big fat man figured out a way to make hamburger patties from the massive Kansanturk horses without actually killing the horse. As the result of his experimentations, we are left with three beautiful mares and 3/4 of a glorious Rubio stallion.
14) 3/4 pounder hamburger patties made from Kansanturk horse meat - 1,990 golden dollops
Read the story above about the big fat man and his hamburgers. Yeah, you can guess at where these came from.
15) 10,000 buckets of liquefied KFC - 75,000 golden dollops
While the cutting-edge, state-of-the-art genetics technology in Osculo has yet to produce a cure for cancer, it sure as hell created a cheap and reliable way to transform the flavourful goodness of Kentucky Fried Chicken into liquid form. It can be used to make shakes, ice cream, malt liqueur, and much much more! You can also drink it right out of the bucket if you'd like! It tastes amazing, and it'd be a literal waste of life NOT to buy it!

Thank you for your hospitality! The Travelling Circus will be departing Rhode Island at an undisclosed and highly unpredictable time, usually 1-2 days. We still accept orders after we have left the region, however, so don't be afraid to order your aid! All shipping costs are covered by us! Alas, au revoir, and may we meet again in a telegram. Thank you.

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