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by The Funky Dance Party of Minimark. . 61 reads.

Region Name Times - July 6th - Volume XX

This Paper is Brought to You By the News and Information Committee, Writing Since 2019

Moderator and Chief Editor: Minimark

Writers
Mundane (Assistant Editor)

Pius ii

Pius desurongcrandis

Soviet melonia ii


Regional Politics

Soviet Melonia II vs. RARC - Withholding of RARC Bills Sparks a Movement

Recently, Soviet Melonia II refused to put up two RARC bills that he deemed not in line with the Charter. Now, as news writers, we may not take sides, so I will give you both sides' opinions. First off, not much was said about what was happening except for the fact that SMII refused to put up two bills, and because of that, multiple nations would not vote yes on whatever bills SMII put up until he put up the RARC bills that were already passed in the committee. It was hard to tell who was picking which sides as some people voted yea without explanation, some voted nay without explanation, others went with the movement, and some other people voted nay for not liking the bill put up. It was all mumbo jumbo until there was a decently long period of no bills put up.

This is where the RARC, mostly Minimark, decided to do something about it. SMII gave suggestions to changing the bills so that he liked it and it was in line with the charter. He said that if Minimark changed the bills in the ways that he said to, he would put it up. This isn't just what he wanted, it was what was in line with the charter and the amendments recently passed. But, Minimark refused to do this, and created a (as inside information put it) "an SMII length" court case against him. Sure enough, SMII came back at him with an "SMII length defense": Here. But, no information has come back on what Great Patrick will do, so stay tuned until next time, Region Name.

Written by Pius ii

Roleplay Developments

A Mini Divide

"How many Minimarks will there be." This question was asked by King Yennis to his people yesterday, as he was addressing the nation on their current crisis. King Yennis XIX got into some deep trouble 2 weeks ago, when he called a voting reffurendum on whether or not to dissolve the monarchy and establish a democracy. This came after various prominent celeberties demand the monarchy fall and a democracy be established. Yennis believed his nation did not want a democracy. However on election day, 51% of Minimarkans voted to dissolve the Monarchy and establish the democracy. Yennis immediately discredited the reffurendum and blamed Minimarks lack of voting infastructure due to their lack of democracy. However various protestors disagreed and the popularity of the King began to fall. During his weekely open forums at his castle, millions gathered to boo the king, so loud he left early since he couldn't hear questions. Protestors began to storm the rostra and overwhelmed the gaurds. Yennis had an ax and was fending them off, while he ordered re-enforcements to kill. Finally, he cracked, went to his open cellar, pushed all the barrels of alcohol onto the rostra breaking them, and then lighting it on fire. Over half a million people died from this outburst. The king then ordered a lockdown of the country and mass policing. Anyone outside after 8 Pm would be imprisoned. The king demanded the rebels be handed in and "tried for their crimes of chaos that killed so many of our countrymen".

Now Soviet melonia ii begins getting involved, and their compatriot Military deterance. Military Deterance immediately placed several boats in the Baltic to monitor the Minimark situation. Then suddenly masses of gunfire began on the Soviet melonia ii - Minimark border near Bialystok. Its assumed to be rebels so Minimark sent in troops, which were shot mistakenly. Soviet Melonia II then allowed Minimark troops to patrol the border, who were able to see a mass of protestors trying to cross. They began to shoot at them when smoke grenades were launched by the protestors and chloroform dropped from an unknown jet in the sky. Minimark had some gas masks and night vision goggles, and were able to shoot many protestors and arrest around 200, even though many made it over the border. In another shocking move then, Military Deterance invaded Hoyat Bay, Minimark. This enraged Yennis who acclaimed hypocrisy given Military Deterances stance as a nation that only invades nations invading other nations. Military Deterance acclaimed moral reasons but a naval presence from Fredmenton forced a mass withdrawl of MD forces.

King Yennis heard of a plot by Military Deterance and Soviet Melonia II from the protestors captured and interrogated, to send protestors into Soviet Melonia II and create distraction. After heated discussions, Rene La Tupe left the meeting in frustration with the stubborness of Minimarks king who had constructed a narrative in his head and was willing to support it at all costs. Fredmenton then moved naval forces close to the Mini-SM2 border on the sea, when a skipper boat went rouge and crashed into the docks, blowing it up and killing a few people. SM2 then sent Air-strike hornets out, one of which was losing power and falling at rapid speeds onto a Fredmentonian aircraft carrier when it was shot down, due to the mass destruction it could cause. Fredmenton then sent out planes as more hornets began to strike. The hornets took down the aircraft carrier but then a nuclear warhead was launched from an unknown nation and destroyed both the hornets and the Fredmentonian fleet.

Finally the protestors emerged from Soviet Melonia II and seiged Hoyat Bay. For 1 week the held the city, but then last Friday King Yennis ordered a mass siege, levelling the city and killing thousands, including residents. Flee orders were given for 1 week but not followed, the King said. "We did what we needed to do to preserve our union and I hope we can finally recognize the monarchy as true from here on out".

Written by Minimark

Sports

RNHL Offseason Rankings Post Free Agency


RNHL Free Agency has finished, and each team had signed its strengths and weaknesses. We will be ranking the signings and trades of these teams, including Coaching Moves. Lets get right into it

12th. Columbia Blue Jackets

Columbia is a new team entering the league, and owns the first pick in the 2021 RNHL Draft, so they didn't need a knockout offseason. However their moves have been very suspect, mostly due to inactivity by the front office. Signing Tim Janisaire for Head Coach is a very questionable move. Yes he helped make Sean Burke the Goaltender he is, however he is only proven as a goaie choose, and his constant goaltender tandem in the beginning of the season, and at the end, showed rash judgement and cost Marksburg games. Unlike Nicholas Hoerner, he did not specialize in the intangibles of athletes, like bodily maintence, motivation, and game planning, which Hoerner had to do with the presence of only Joe Wilkowski. Janisaire seems like he needs more experience as a goaltender coach, and doesn't have the leadership quality or consistent vision necessary of a good coach.

Columbias free agents were suspect at best. They are assembling a group of people who have never played with eachother, and only signing one former player on an RNHL team places you in a situation lacking leadership and experience. The RNHL is a different beast than normal local hockey leagues. It requires a veteran, and in free agency you usually hope to get a veteran who is good. They got the veteran status of Dadood Frumcheers, an underrated defenseman from Mundane who was good on power plays. He was a solid second pickup, however their other pickup was laughaubly bad. LaLanne Fortimo is a 2nd year defenseman from a sprint hockey league and he wasnt even that good. He lacks the experience and durability to remain in the RNHL. Maybe Janisaire can help mold him but that seems like a stretch. All in all, below average signings and lack of leadership has guided this teams off season. They can hope for some young talent in the draft, but all in all, they are the worst in the league.

11th. New Gwapington Johngas

New Gwapingtons ranking is so low for one reason: they got worse this offseason. Keeping their coaches was a no brainer, but they failed to address their needs. They got the remnants of a large free agent class. Signing a defenseman and left wing to replace their left wing and defenseman. Wilson Fowler was someone being held back by his linemates, and can be very good. Replacing him with Julian Cays doesnt seem like a good fit, given Cays struggles to prove himself on his lines. Mike Hines being replaced with Bobbywobbin is much worse, however. Mike Hines was the best Johngas Defenseman and keeping Brandon Gray from having to fully carry that team, and now he got replaced by quite possibly the worst RNHL Defenseman. Bobbywobbin gave no time to Hufokkin Tonight in Mundane, even with some help. If the Johngas are trying to replace Hines with Bobbywobbin, they are gravely mistaken. The only savior to this is Bobbywobbin is young and could develop, and Cays was being outdone on an offesnively heavy Phoenixes team. And then they traded away Allan Mendez for pure garbage. Henry Cabbagehead, a man in the farm system earlier in the season, and Mary Beth Bethbeth who only was good in shootouts. Two 3rd liners for your best player. Disgusting. This trade does not belong in this league. Even if the organization had issues with Mendez, that doesn't mean give him the AXE! New Gwapington belongs in last for this trade, but luckily they signed some potentially good free agents.

10th. Tiephon Titans

My main point against Tiephon is experience. They signed some talented players, but none of them have RNHL experience. They are harping on the idea that these new guys will figure it out, which will lead to a learning curve. Their signings were Gerard Hunjuc and Christopher Mekelburg. Mekelburg was a great signing as he led all playoff defenseman in scoring, and he isnt even a scoring defenseman. He provides the veteran experience and is one of the leagues top defensemen. Hunjuc is a very talented player and just needs time to adapt to the RNHL. However time costs games, and he wouldn't really produce until the backhalf of the season when Tiephon could be in whatever mess. Then they dug themselves deeper. They traded Mekelburg to a desperate Overlord Helerer for their 2nd and 3rd round picks this year and next year. I am always a fan of more picks, however not for a new team. Jamming 5 rookies on this roster and taking a center that needs some development isnt that good, especially in a league with experience. There is very little room now for any player previously in the RNHL, barring trades or signing cut players. Lack of experience is going to hurt this team in the beginning.

Nick Hoerner is a good coaching hire, but it goes back to experience. We know he is good at coaching one player, and managing one player, but can he do a whole roster is the question. No time as an assistant coach is tricky, because he never had to lead multiple men. His relationship with Joe Wilkowski could be a fluke. It all depends. He will have to unite a battered group and it will be quite difficult, and we just dont know if he has the experience to pull it off. He would have been a good Assistant head coach hire, not the full job.

9th. Marksburg Mustangs

Marksburg had a rather lackluster offseason. They had some tough free agent choices to start out, and ended up losing possibly the best backup goalie in the league and a developing Right Wing in Charlie Conacher. However they seemingly replaced everything well enough and grew some. Rick Lane is a potential star, being held back by being with 3rd line talent in Ha-Ma-Grad and also signing Mike Hines, a solid player from New Gwapington. However they still haven't addressed their big issue: a lack of star power. Their star power lies in Sean Burke who cracked when the pressure got high. Buscher Jackson has done very well, but he cannot carry the team. They are hoping their trades from mid-year pan out, and some may, but none can gain the absolute star power. I don't know if they are risky enough to make a big trade, but they need to. They made a semi big trade, actually. They essentially undid the Danny Shmo trade with Mundane, and swapped 1st rounders. This was a great move as now they boast the best center depth in the league. Moving down in the 1st is questionable when they needed a big name Defenseman, but they have restored some honor to their offseason.

8th. Northrik Icewolves

Northrik is in the same boat as Tiephon, but didn't trade one of their free agents and had a better Head Coach hiring. Starting with their free agents, they followed the path of signing non-RNHL players trying to get in. They signed Bouler Hatte, a right wing who I would equate to Jimmy Ward of the Johngas. However he needs time to fit into his role. He has better physical traits than Ward but has poor decision making. However if Northrik is expecting him to take a first line role they are mistaken. He isn't that fast and will need time to go with the game. Taking an experienced player and putting some young talent around him would make more sense. Moving to the signing of Le'tru McDu, this also is an average move. McDu has not had to comprehend RNHL Defenses, and if they are expecting him to start he will struggle initially. Not moving for a veteran here, and then drafting a young goalie to learn from the Vet is a mistake. Le'Tru will need to have some big games, especially if the offense and defense dont work well together initially, making his goaltending play all the team has, and if he can't comprehend offensive attacks, this entire team is doomed. However McDu isnt a rookie, and he just needs to learn RNHL Defenses, and all in all hes a great prospect who could become a potential Gray Cup-Winning Goalie. They did get the veteran, actually. They traded some draft picks for Josh Bryan, a smart move on their part. He is a solid Veteran and can start and win some games, while McDu develops. Excellent trade on their part.

The Icewolves hired Lansing Waterson as their head coach. The former Groove Offensive Coordinator has a major bonus and major drawback. Starting with the drawback, he struggles to motivate players and keep them going, even if the going if rough. That can be seen in the fall of the Groove this year. As their decline started after poor goaltending, it only got worse as Dave Rocket played unmotivated, along with many others. He only kept Ty Law going, but Law was also trying to prove himself as a top Left Wing in a league full of LW talent. He needs to keep his team going, especially if they have a rough patch, or they will never come out. He needs to create a brotherhood in his team, and he has proven he cannot do that. However a major downfall might not come since he is good at one thing: using players to their fullest potential. He is an excellent schemer that created one of the best offenses in the league with limited players. He can create massive powerhouses and use peoples talents to support the team. Thats what his benefit is. He will need to figure out how to keep people motivated, but the rest of the team playing well should do the trick.

7th. Hellererian Chemists

The reigning champions are chasing glory again, but are they doing it right? Lets start with what they are doing right. They had to know they would lose Bill Shukraft one way or another going into next season, and have to find someone as electrifying to run that offfense. The choice of Jerome Jerud was the best. He brings a new energy and strategy in, a man who can strategize against any defense. There will be a learning curve but hes going into the best system for that, due to the pure talent of the coaches around him and HC Hacherl, which will teach him the lessons necessary to run this Chemists offense. The loss of Nick Hoerner as goalie coach was a blow, but Wilkowski should be fine if the Chemists get him a backup goaltender.

Moving to the free agents is where we see them doing it wrong. Robert Damon has no RNHL experience, and the Chemists lost most of their leaders on defense. He has no one to learn from from their experience, teach him the nuances of the new game. He has coaches, not veterans. But that was the issue cutting your 2 best defensemen in the first place was a bad idea. This makes the Damon signing much worse. Also signing Mike Cobb with veteran defensemen available is another issue. Their offense was already loaded and if they wanted someone else they could've drafted some new offensive pieces. But they didn't. Here comes the real stinger. Damon could've developed eventually with some help and Cobb would've scored many goals, but then they dropped this bomb. Trading both their 2nd and 3rd round picks this year and next year to Tiephon for Christopher Mekelburg back. Mekelburg is solid and deserves such a haul, but they cut themselves out from young talent for a long time now, as to restore those picks it would require breaking apart their super offense in one way, or losing a first round potential. Their defense remains weak, as even with Mekelburg and Lavoisier last year it was still a bottom defense in the league. Replacing Lavoisier with Damon essentially, and losing 4 picks in the process just seems like they made their defense worse, while their offense better, even though their defense was the problem last year, and offense was the best in the league.

6th. Navarros Nauticals

Navarros is pretty striaght forward. They had one of the best free agent signing periods, but probably the worst head coaching hire. Starting with the hiring of Scott Forlon, it makes no sense. Yes he won games, but not in the playoffs. His offensive schemes weakened the Redhawks, and he couldn't win a power struggle he started with Head Coach McDaniel Burgess of the Redhawks. Claim he was strategizing, but do you think Mundane would win that series against the Johngas if they didn't fire him. Down 2 games to 1, you think Forlons delay scheme would hold? McDaniel Burgess had to fire him because he was lucking out. He seems too greedy for power. I woudn't be suprised if by next year he is fired and replaced with someone like Jerome Jerud or McDaniel Burgess. Its a shame especially given how well this team did in free agency.

Yoka Poon was a played being held down by the talent around him. Being 2nd lined in a team with few players and bad centers prevents you from thriving, especially after losing Hunter Qatar to Marksburg. He should absolutely blossom in Navarros. The second signing of Wilson Fowler was also great. Fowler was underperforming in New Gwapington yes, but his constant rotation with Allan Mendez didn't help. Stability in Navarross should be key for this teams success, and Poon and Fowler seem like a match made in Heaven, for wingers. All in all 2 great signings, both veterans, by the Nauticals team. Only if they hit with the head coaching hire.

5th. Los Veganos Raiders

Moving to Los Veganos is the best thing this team did this year. Getting a much more active ownership group should help this team in the long run. Moving to the rest of the offseason...

Keeping their head coach was a smart move. He led a small renissance at the end of the season, recording a few wins and defeating the Phoenixes. He was young coming in and this was just a learning year. The Raiders should be ready for greatness. They also hit with both free agent signings. Dublu Tshee fixes their need for a backup goalie, as he is a young prospect unlike Ian Bryant, and can develop into a solid starter. Charlie Conacher also provides some needed forward depth that can also be supplemented in the draft. Keeping Erik Jackson and Lloyd Wolfe as primary starters was good, along with keeping the coaching staff. They could have made some upgrades elsewhere but this revamped Raiders team should be competitive.

4th. Pius Phoenixes

The Phoenixes offseason was lookin grim. They were in cap hell and had to let go of Jack Kilner. They will need to replace him during the draft, but other than that they filled their holes. Goaltender was a major issue as the infinite tandem between Tom Crockett, Ryan Mills and Dom Hassen has been resolved with the signing of promising young goaltender Earl Robertson. Robertson should be an immediate starter, and Dom Hassen should be an excellent backup. This signing elevated the Phoenixes goaltender room from one of the worst in the league to one of the best. Then going and signing Derrick Owens, who was held back by his linemates. They are lined up to get some of the best defensemen of the draft, and Derrick Owens is a master at puck movement, which should help allieviate defensive pains. All in all great selections. The only hole on the roster now is Defensemen, which should be allieviated in the draft.

3rd. Pius II Groove

Coaching can make or break a player, and the Groove made it very clear they are in the business of making players. Firing Reid McDowell and losing Lansing Waterson was a blow, but neither could lead. Then they brought in the leader of men, William Shukraft, the former Chemists OC. Shukraft rallied the Chemists to their late season comeback and eventual cup win, by keeping their offense going and inspired. He should be able to run this offense and inspire it, with Dave Rocket and Ty Law. He also signed two young, underused and underrated offensive players, Irish O'African and Nick Bridges. Shukraft should be able to manuver these to create the best offense in the league. And they might get Barry Becker in the draft, soldifiying any defensive core. They are in position to have a very short rebuild but then become the contender that they were coached away from becoming. They should be making more offensive superstars than ever, and they have won the 3rd best offseason to this point.

2nd. Mundane Redhawks

Mundane had 2 glaring holes in their roster coming into this offseason, defense and a 2nd high scorer. This offseason they effectively patched 1 of the holes. They started by clearing up their roster. They had a lot of downright bad players and they removed all of them, creating much opportunity for growth. Signing Fideroyolanda Landasmackonmytiddyboosters III a part of the best power play pair in the league seemed good. Then trading their late draft picks for Antonine Lavoisier soldified their already growing defense to new levels. However they then faltered with their next two signings. Probably not faltered actually, they got guys better than their past guys in Gabe Utamvil and Jerome Petrarch. These two should develop into mid-way scorers and provide scoring depth this team was lacking. However, scoring depth doesnt work if the top is too shallow. Dick Leaf, incumbent MVP obviously carried this offense last season. They need a second top scorer, one who can score 3 goals a week, and go on a near pace as Dick. They won't be able to get over the hump if they can't especially if Hufokkin Tonight regresses. For coaching signings they filled the vacancy left by Offensive Coordinator Scott Forlon with Reid McDowell, organizer of the mighty Groove Offense. This will be a good place for McDowell to help strengthen this offense. But for now, they are missing that last piece.

That was until they made some trades. The Allan Mendez trade was pure roberry, no doubts about it. Cutting young talent is rough, but getting an absolute dominator is the best move this organization has ever made outside of signing Dick Leaf. The Allan Mendez trade bumps them up 4 spots, but the Billy Burch one brings them down. There is still no garuntee Clasik is there at the 10th pick, and now you cost yourself forward depth. It seems like too much of a dice roll with too much on the line. But the Mendez trade is artistry, an absolute win for this team. Allan Mendez fixes most holes.

1st. Falcon City Falcons

The 2020 Offseason Champs at this point are the Falcon City Falcon. Their worst move in my opinion was the name change, thats it. Signing Jack Kilner fixes their biggest hole, and they traded Josh Bryan away and got themselves in position for a great goaltender in Connor Sutton, a generational talent. He should soldifiy the Falcons 2nd biggest hole, goalie. Willis Ballard is bad, yes, but he proved to be a leader in the playoffs despite poor situation. Now they need defensemen, which is a low worry on a team with the 2nd best defenseman in the league. They could draft to fill those holes also, or trade, or use Undrafted Free Agents, or just more players from Great Patrick, or just let the current guys develop. This Falcons team took the biggest step in the league this offseason, and should be the favorite to win the Mangaou Division in the upcoming season. They made the brilliant move of trading Lavoisier to restore their draft which should continue to strengthen this defense. If they draft well, and no more stupid trades are made, the Falcon City Falcons will win this offseason hands down. They are a team that developed the most this offseason, and they should be absolutely proud of this and proud of their new chances at a cup.

Written by Minimark


Region Name Came to Play - A Review of the 2020 Summer Games

Starting June 7th, with the beautiful opening ceremony by Soviet Melonia II, Mundane kicked off the first ever complete Region Name Summer Games in Rommel. It was a heck of a month, as over 70 gold medals were up for grabs with 16 nations competing. It all started with the Triathlon on June 8th and went through a multitude of different sports until landing on the last day, June 28th, with Volleyball. It will forever be known as the one of the greatest athletic events the region has ever seen. Lasting 22 days, the nations competed in grinding battles and treacherous and heart-wrenching defeats all to lead up to that final prize of New York, and it was close all the way to the end.

Here was the statement from the commissioner of the Games, Mundane: "That is it! The 2020 Summer Region Name Games have come to a close. There were amazing feats of athletic prowess and grueling defeats, but the most important thing, is that every athlete has come out of the games safely, and I thank our national guard and security for doing so.

Now for the results! In fifth place, we have a tie. It is between The Vegans II and New Gwapington, both with 31 points in total and 6 gold medals. For third place, we also have a tie. This one is between Soviet Melonia II and Military Deterance, with 32 total points. SM2 had 7 gold medals and MD had 5. In second place, was Pius Desurongcrandis, with a total of 33 points and a whopping 10 silver medals to only 3 gold medals. And now, for the moment we've all been waiting for, the victor of the games and the receiver of the prized lands of New York. The winner is.............Pius II with 37 total points, 7 gold medals, 5 silver medals, and 6 bronze medals. Congratulations to them, and every nation that has participated in this years games. It was an honor to run them and I hope you enjoyed watching the stats roll in."

For all the results of the games, check out this dispatch: Here.

Written by Mundane

Are you Ready for some Baseball?

On Saturday the Region Name League of Baseball started it's first ever set of games. All 10 teams in the RNLB played across 5 cities in the Region with some exciting Baseball action. Fans from across the nation tuned in as teams took the field and here is a recap of what happened. In the Nitros Sports park the Nova Nitros defended their house against the Herat Satanist Gamers in a 4-2 Victory. In Jefferson D.C., the Jefferson D.C. Capitalists took on and won against the Pius II Panthers with a score of 7-2. The Patronus Pelicans found success on the road when they traveled to Mithilia with a 4-5 win against the Eedenburgh Enterprise. The Hellerian Chemists were able to overcome the Pius Phoenixes with a 4-3 victory that went into a 10th inning. The Los Veganos Vipers defeated the Old Utamville Mechanics in a 4-0 win. The next set of games will happen on July 8th so stay tuned.

For full RNLB stats and standings, please check out this dispatch

Written by Pius desurongcrandis, edited by Minimark

Opinion Editorials

Want your opinion heard on a regional issue? Want to make a statement for a campaign? Have comments on the direction of the Region, or a specific nation? Then telegram Minimark and he will put up all appropriate editorials!

Weekly Challenge

This Weeks Challenge: A Riddle
Telegram Minimark the answer and he will shout out the first correct responder in the next paper!

What is seen in the middle of March and April that can’t be seen at the beginning or end of either month?

The Funky Dance Party of Minimark

Edited:

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