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“Serve in the Red Guard, Fight for Finlandia Today!”

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The Cryptid of Red Finlandian Guard is a colossal, orderly nation, ruled by Olaf Statosky with an iron fist, and remarkable for its compulsory military service, daily referendums, and punitive income tax rates. The hard-nosed, cynical population of 5.841 billion Finlandians are ruled by a mostly-benevolent dictator, who grants the populace the freedom to live their own lives but watches carefully for anyone to slip up.

The enormous, corrupt government juggles the competing demands of Defense, Healthcare, and Education. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Almstedt. The average income tax rate is 77.8%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The thriving Finlandian economy, worth 484 trillion Markkaa a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. The industrial sector, which is quite specialized, is led by the Arms Manufacturing industry, with major contributions from Tourism, Information Technology, and Book Publishing. Average income is 82,997 Markkaa, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Twins move across the country to avoid being accused of the other's crimes, busy commuters no longer hear the cries of "I want some more!" on the nation's streets, loudmouthed journalists are given the chop, and the new national campaign exhorts men to "Show Some Class - Don't Sit On Your Ass". Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Red Finlandian Guard's national animal is the Brown Bear, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests.

Red Finlandian Guard is ranked 215,306^th in the world and 244^th in Conch Kingdom for Most Extreme, scoring 13.81 on the Paul-Nader Subjective Decentrality Index.